The Suburban Mom Fairy Tale

You've seen her.  The perfect suburban mom.  White skinny jeans, hair done by 9 a.m, already pushing her Ambercrombie children in a double stroller to the park. The dialogue starts running through your head as you sit at the stop sign driving your children late to school.....again.  Wearing your fuzzy PJ's, no bra and a long jacket to hide it all.  "I bet she got up at 5 a.m. and ran 8 miles too."  You despise her just a little, and you don't even know her. "Miss skinny jeans probably has a perfect husband, great job and fantastic sex. Who does she think she is? Why can't she look tired like the rest of us?  My kids got handed dry cereal in a zip-loc bag as I rushed them off to school. Sure hope they brushed their teeth and put on a clean pair of socks. " In 60 seconds flat you feel like the worse mom ever.  Drive away, just drive away.  

Once upon a time I had that perfectly put together neighbor. Beautifully curled hair, a body to die for, kids that came straight out of an ad, a husband that adored her and a house that was kept as tidy as they come. And she did get up at 5 a.m for the gym., chipper as a bird on crack! Her kids went to bed at 7, and up by 6 a.m., homemade breakfast everyday and stories of how her husband loved to snuggle every night. (gag).....for the love I just wanted her to stop talking.  It wasn't till a year later that I learned Sam had been extremely depressed all year. Her marriage was struggling and that perfect persona was just a mirage. Her attempts to keep it all together had rubbed off into making sure her children also appeared perfect. It left her no time to rest because if she did she would have let go of the image she had created. So she stayed busy.  But she had grown tired.  Life was catching up to her and she needed to be real even if just for an hour. I was extremely humbled that she confided in me, I felt guilty for judging her. It taught me a valuable lesson, grass isn't always greener....

The Suburban Fairytale we tell ourselves...."I am only as perfect as what I let them see."  Somewhere along the way we as woman felt the need to do it all on our own as to not be judged for our short comings.  "If my house is unkept, then I am less of homemaker.  If my kids aren't sterling scholars with their life all figured out I must not have tried hard enough.  If I don't smile and say everything is fine, they will know something is wrong." But no one knows of the two jobs she is holding down just to make ends meet or the migraine she went to bed with and still managed to get the kids off to school the next morning.  Getting ready for the day, was simply all she could do. What about the single mom who is the provider, home maker, and listening sound board.  The woman who has been waiting years to have a family of her own and still manages to support every wedding and baby shower with a smile on her face.  

In that fairytale kingdom we call home, we may be suffering within those castle walls. Wives and mothers with depression, an illness, a wayward child, grief, abuse, loneliness, or struggling with self esteem.  It is a hard thing to feel like you have to go it alone. We tell ourselves that everyone is too busy, or its embarrassing to ask for help.  I get it. I hate asking for help.  Because I fear what everyone will think or that I will inconvenience someone. Fear that they will see into my life and be disappointed. There is a real fear of losing ones friends if they knew the real you.    

Ladies, true friends cannot be lost.  Let them see the real you.  It is those moments of realness and vulnerability that allows love to grow.  If there is anything I could change from this moment on, it would be honesty about my life. The good, the bad and the sometimes awesome. Because in moments of truth and sharing, you gain strength from others. Others who may be feeling the same pressures of life. Ask for help, lean on one another, you may be answering their prayer to help another in need.  

And the next time I pass by that perfect mom with the seemingly perfect life, I might just say hello.  

After all, she was walking alone.

Mother Hover

I was the second of seven children and held a big responsibility in watching my siblings.  I held 2 part time jobs in high school, made my car payments and paid my own car insurance. I didn't ask for money from my parents, if I wanted to go somewhere I rode my bike or didn't go. There was a time when my family had no money and I watched my mom pull together other resources.  In 5th grade I was asked why I didn't own a pair of jeans.  It was the first time I realized it even mattered.

I knew how to take care of sick siblings, cook dinner, do my own laundry, find directions by asking, talk to people, make appointments, and find information on my own. Have you seen a teen struggle to even talk to another adult?  It is painful to watch. They have spent so much time using technology to communicate they have lost the art of speaking. When my oldest was 18 I walked her into her eye appointment at Wal-mart and dropped her off. Told her to sign in, fill out the form and wait for her appointment. She had an instant panic attack! But I walked away and she braved her fear of talking to people face to face.

Obviously if your child is very young this may not apply. But kids/teens who see you work through struggles, health issues, finances will learn how to problem solve as an adult. If we hide it all and only let them see life through rose colored glasses, then how will they handle any crisis? 

"Some kids don't lean from watching others experience things. They have to learn these lessons all for themselves. If we are consistently protecting our kids from the consequences of their choices they are going to go into adulthood completely unprepared. "  Stephanie Stewart

When did we turn into this society that we fear our kids may not have it all?  We over compensate by signing them up in multiple activities, then add private lessons and to top it all off we pay for it all! They lack the appreciation because they have come to expect it.  I am so guilty of all of it.  I'm not sure where that all comes from, maybe from watching my brothers get all the attention for sports. It's a competitive world out there and we naturally want our kids to have the best chance. But at what cost? If I could do it over, I would start with focusing more on academics and how to earn the privilege of extra activities. They would earn money to understand the costs and at the very least teach them the importance of the value of money.  

Depression and Anxiety In Kids. 10 Tips For Moms

This may be the most difficult article I write.  Depression is hereditary in my family.  From my Grandmother on down, the women in my family have a suffered a great deal.  As a teen my episodes of depression and anxiety kept me from enjoying my life.  I missed out on school dances, spent a lot of time alone and ended being hospitalized twice by the time I was a Junior in high school.

So when each of my girls starting exhibiting signs, I didn't take any risks and I listened to my mom intuition.  Every daughter of mine by the age of 12 ,as their hormones were changing, developed some form of A & D.  Triggers such as stress, friends, peers, school sports, school pressures, the feeling that they just couldn't quite measure up were all factors in making it worse.  And it isn't just happening in our teens, I see girls younger and younger dealing with feeling of depression.  Social media is a big factor. They can't look on line without seeing what the world thinks they should look like.  They can't open social media without seeing the news of wars, school shootings, suicides and bullying at an unprecedented rate.

I was a PE teacher for an elementary school in a harder area of town.  Kids as early as first grade were showing signs depression, acting out, sadness, and a general feeling of not being important.  It broke my heart.  I was taking a child weekly if not more to the front office for help.  So I took a chance on one of my sixth graders who just couldn't follow rules and I gave her task.  I had her check with her teacher to have her come help me with the younger PE classes during her recess.  In just a few weeks her confidence came out, she was cooperative and coming to class prepared.  After two months, her friends wanted to help.  Show a kid you believe in them and they will start to see their worth.

It's a sad reality that girls who are struggling emotionally seem to also be targets for bullying and victims of mean girls. And its not just girls their own age, I've seen a teacher demean a child in front of a classroom. I've witnessed trusted adults leave a teenager feeling like they don't belong. We need solutions to help our kids learn problem solving skills.  Or they will contunue to skip the resolution part of a problem and go right to the extreme.  So what as parents are we to do? What can we do? Here are my top ten tips.

1.  Take your child seriously. If they are down and not enjoying what they normally enjoy its time to start asking questions and get advice. Keep communication open. Talk and talk some more.  

2.  Get help.  Find a therapist early on. They will make the decisions with you on the best course of action. It may be as simple as opening communication or it may be the need for medication.

3.  Follow your GUT!  I cannot count the times my mom intuition kicked in and I have been right 100% of the time. You know your child, trust it. If you think something just doesn't feel right, don't ignore it. 

4. If bullying is happening in your school and they won't take action, you take action. There is always someone higher up in the chain.  If you know of another child that is suicidal please contact a professional or the school counselor.  They have the resources needed.  

5. Do not be afraid to give your child a break.  You have options.  I have homeschooled part time for two of my girls.  They did main classes at school and the rest at home. Especially Jr High, you can go to your school district for a exemption form. You are in control.  

6.  Your child may not make any sense to you, welcome to hormones. But it is so important that they know you love them no matter what. That what they are saying is important and you are listening. They want to know someone has their back and they have a safe place to express themselves without always getting a lecture.  

7.  Find a support system.  Family and friends are wonderful resources, don't do it alone.  If your child doesn't want to talk to you, have them give you a name of adult they will talk to and set up the support.  Make sure it's an adult.  Mom's and dad's you need the support too.  

8.  Its ok to have access to your child's media accounts.  You are not breaking some code of trust.  They are in your home, and you need to know what is on that phone. Did you know Instagram has added a video recording option that will delete after someone watches it just once? Know what is on your kids phone!   

9.  Keep them safe.  Be it from themselves or from others influences.  Have numbers for help lines close by.  Know their friends and their parents.  

10.  Keep them busy.  Find what they like to do,  and maybe find a new hobby.  I have found that discovering things they would like to learn how to do, is very therapeutic.  Finding a new talent can be so fun.  

There are things you don't want to know happening in our schools.  I hear it all the time, "not my kid".  And it may not be your kid, but I bet they have heard and seen it all.  Pornography, openly talking about sex, bullying, fights, inappropriate pictures going around the social network.  Its all out there.  There is a general opinion that if you don't accept all things, relationships in any form, anything and everything, then you are judgmental. So our young kids are learning at a early age to not have boundaries.  At the very least open a conversation, ask questions. You want to know what they know.

They are children until they turn 18 and leave my home.  I have pulled the mom card more than once, I have called schools and parents when I am concerned about other children.  I have taken smart phones away and replaced it with a flip phone that takes 3 minutes to even type a text.  Your first and foremost concern is their safety.  I will do everything in my power to keep them safe.  Depression and anxiety are real, and I take it very seriously.

On the bright side my older girls headed out of the dark teen years and developed into remarkable women.  They can recognize when they are feeling depressed and anxious and will still come to me for help.  It may be a life long struggle but they have the tools to cope.  It took taking my blinders off and pushing for help.  I'm not a doctor.  But I am a mom who has been helping my girls through this for the last 10 years.  I hope my experiences will help you when you are at a loss for what to do next.


*Note this article is expressly my opinions.  I am not a doctor please seek the proper medical advice if you have concerns about anxiety and depression.  

Why I Choose to Push Past My Limits

It's 7 a.m. my muscles ache as usual, I'm exhausted to the point I know I could sleep hours longer, my brain is foggy and I'm wobbly just stepping out of bed.  So why bother?  I have a perfectly good excuse, any doctor would back me up.  But that has never been me.  I'm stubborn, just ask my mom. Tell me I can't do something and I'm likely to make it a point to prove you wrong.

I discovered something even before being diagnosed with MS, I love the adrenaline rush from pushing my body.  I had never been strong before, I had no idea what being healthy was all about or how to even get started.  I barely survived pregnancy.  So when I was done having my girls and had time to focus on me, I began to see the big picture.  I started trying new things like road biking, jogging, teaching Pilates and fitness classes. I couldn't get enough. I had never envisioned myself as being a fit person,  I had suffered from years of depression and anxiety.  All I wanted to do was figure out a way to happy for myself and my family.   Now I had this amazing outlet and it was working.

Then the day comes when you are told you have a disease that will alter your life's path.  There is no cure, no way of knowing what the long term effects will be, accompanied by a long list of "what to avoid".  And let me tell you the list is long! After years of trying to find a balance of working out without over doing it, I starting to feel defeated by my disease. During one of my scheduled Neurology visits my nurse looked at me and said "Your expectations are too high, you want to feel better and we are just trying to maintain your health."  I was so mad, who are you to tell me I won't feel better!?  And that became my WHY for pushing past my limits.  I lift weights so my muscles will get stronger, I continue to be a fitness instructor so my coordination and mind are challenged,  I do things I'm afraid to do so I know I'm living life not just watching it.

My best two hours of my day, when I feel the most "normal" is when I'm working out, teaching a class, mowing the lawn, walking my dogs, but doing what I love.  No one is going to want to push themselves doing something they hate doing.

 Teaching fitness and training is the hardest thing I do but the most rewarding.  I push past the tired, the pain and fear because I'm not alone.  I'm one in many.  You all are the reasons I do what I do.  I hope to build up those that are discouraged, make the imperfect know they don't have to be and show those that don't where to begin, where the start line is. Remember...Limits are only limits if you don't reach past them.   

The Weight Loss Fairy Tale

A woman approached me after teaching my cardio class and asked me how she could lose more weight. My first question was "who said you needed to? " Because to just look at her, I did not see a person that was overweight. I was a bit surprised to find out it was her doctor.  The urgency in her voice made it clear she wanted to lose the next 20 lbs and quickly.  My advice? Stop looking at the scale.  If you are drinking plenty of water, eating healthy, exercising and you are feeling good then you are on the right track.

I am absolutely exhausted over what society portrays as a healthy woman.  The idea that there are no flaws on a body is absurd.  I have photoshopped my own picture before I posted on social media because I was embarrassed. Im sure if I was 20 years old, no kids and was at the gym six days a week, I might look like that ad in the latest fitness magazine.

The average size woman is a size 16 as reported by Forbes in 2016.  Are they all supposed to feel overweight? Of course not.  I have an amazing six pack underneath the soft layers that show signs I gave birth to four beautiful girls. I have stretch marks, wrinkles, and cellulite, that scream "hey I'm in my 40's!"  Weight loss doesn't happen over night, it takes months and years because it is a process to do it the right way.  There are so many factors to consider, and there is no quick fix. We have to consider hormones, stress,  the foods we are eating, the lifestyle we are living, and  how much sleep we are getting.  I don't want that to be discouraging, I just want you to understand weight loss is just as much mental as it is physical.

If your train of thought is "I'll be happy once I lose the weight"  then that is a fairytale you are telling yourself.   I know because I've been there.  At first it was about losing the weight to be happy, then I wanted a flatter stomach, then I wanted to be stronger, like CrossFit Strong!,  and the list goes on.  Well I lost the weight, my abs got a little more toned, and I got stronger.  So why wasn't I happy?  Because from the beginning of this fairy tale I had told my self I wasn't  good enough unless I was all those things.  I wasn't a good enough wife, mother, friend, teacher unless I was thin.  Ladies that is not even close to the truth!

So how do we change that mind set?  First you have to get good with who you are.  Its hard to compliment ourselves isn't it?  Remember how much you weigh has nothing to do with how good a friend, wife, or mother you are.  Wouldn't it be great if we had a scale we could stand on and it would tell us "today you met your goal for amazing mom."  Be confident in yourself.  Nothing sexier than a woman that is confident.  Your reasons for wanting to be a healthier weight could include "feeling" better,  sleeping more soundly,  being more active,  you want to run your first 5K,  lower blood pressure,  these are all healthy reasons that will have life long benefits.  So ladies don't fall for that myth that skinny=happily ever after.  Happiness is knowing you were always amazing.  Life is meant to live it, learn from it, make mistakes, do better, love more and share it.

Ugh, do I have to Run?

I'm a true believer that when it comes fitness you have to find what motivates you.  What do you love to do?  I started as a fitness instructor nine years ago.  At the time my passion was Pilates and still is but I quickly discovered other interests.   If you hate running, you will not be motivated to hop on a treadmill.   Don't get me wrong, I like running, for about three miles.  Then I start going over  my grocery list in my head and checking my gps map every three minutes.  Realizing Ive only gone 1/2 a mile and and I'm averaging a 13 min mile.  Most my friends call that walking.  Haha.  But get me on a bike and I'm in my zone!  I feel like I'm getting somewhere.  Now I'm averaging 18 mph and singing out loud to whatever Pandora is playing.  Plus if I was being chased by a bear I'd have better chance of getting away than my running skills.  (We've all seen that meme right?)

There is no wrong answer for the best workout, because its the workout that makes you feel like you want to keep going.  When I found High Fitness, I was at a crossroads.  I needed a change in my workout and in my teaching.  When one door closes, find another door.  High Fitness came into my life and BAM! I couldn't get enough.  That is what Passion feels like.

 You will find sometimes in your fitness journey that your exercise routine loses its sparkle.  That's ok, and normal.  Its a great time to explore your options.   One of the questions as a trainer I get asked a lot is "why am I stuck in a rut?" Weight loss is no longer happening, muscles aren't changing, endurance seems to be blah.  So I ask if they have changed up their fitness routine lately and the answer is 99% always NO.   If you take the same classes, follow the same routine and eat the same foods, you will plateau.   Time to switch it up and re-evaluate.   Decide is it classes you like, being outdoors, lifting weights?  etc.  All of those areas have plenty of options.  My goal this winter was to try to like it more, I hate being cold.   I bought my youngest a set of snowshoes so she could join me. It was a win win.  I get time with my daughter,  I added a new activity and I braved the snow.  Goal met.  

You will hear me say it over and over.  Focus on how your workout makes you feel, not what you look like.   You should feel energized, happy and accomplished.  That smile is what awesome looks like.

*Copyright High Fitness 

www.highfitness.com

No Place Like Home

I heard it on  TV as casual as we've all heard the phrase before "There's no place like home.".  
Where is home?  I've moved around most my life. And just when I thought I found the perfect "home", I lost it.   It's not the walls I'll miss, it's the dream of  raising my  kids and seeing future grandkids sit at  the same barstools just like their moms did.  Listening  about their day as we eat chocolate chip cookies.  This will not be that house.   

The place I thought I'd have family coming to visit, cousins playing in the back yard,  friends coming for lunch and celebrating holiday traditions.  It's not that house either.   So we sold the big shiny house and traded it for a much smaller version.  

There was no time this year to put up Christmas  lights,  we barely had room for a tree and yet here we are...a roof over our heads and food on the table (or at least on a box that's covering the table). But in this new house,  children are still happy, healthy and loved.  In our little oasis of starting over,  we will always be home no matter the GPS location and no matter who else decides to find us.   We are grateful in any circumstance and faith is a powerful thing.

Blessed by the miracle that as we left that big shiny house; family, neighbors, and friends, all came at a moments notice.  Calls of support and offers of kindness from those with already had busy lives came to just to make mine a little bit easier.   Oh how I hate asking for help but I just couldn't do it all.   So they came,  and I watched as my house became empty of things.  And that was just it.  We had a lot of things.  Even after I sold some of the extra stuff that would never fit into a house half the size,  I still have too much.  It is time to SIMPLIFY.    

Two months after we moved I began to notice that we were spending more time as a family.  Even if only because we were forced to, due to our small living space.   I also started to see my girls, and I mean really see them.   Moments in the kitchen listening to them talk to each other about their day, their views on church, politics, friends, school, boys and so much more.  But what made the change?  Maybe the square footage but I had also made a decision to be present.  Stop finding extra things to keep me busy,  and make time for them.  Its ok to say NO to invites and not make every lunch date.  SIMPLIFY.  

Home is where I watch my children grow, be a wife and best friend.  Home is where there is safety, love and happiness.   So I guess the TV shows are right "there is no place like home."  And location has nothing to do with it.