No Place Like Home

I heard it on  TV as casual as we've all heard the phrase before "There's no place like home.".  
Where is home?  I've moved around most my life. And just when I thought I found the perfect "home", I lost it.   It's not the walls I'll miss, it's the dream of  raising my  kids and seeing future grandkids sit at  the same barstools just like their moms did.  Listening  about their day as we eat chocolate chip cookies.  This will not be that house.   

The place I thought I'd have family coming to visit, cousins playing in the back yard,  friends coming for lunch and celebrating holiday traditions.  It's not that house either.   So we sold the big shiny house and traded it for a much smaller version.  

There was no time this year to put up Christmas  lights,  we barely had room for a tree and yet here we are...a roof over our heads and food on the table (or at least on a box that's covering the table). But in this new house,  children are still happy, healthy and loved.  In our little oasis of starting over,  we will always be home no matter the GPS location and no matter who else decides to find us.   We are grateful in any circumstance and faith is a powerful thing.

Blessed by the miracle that as we left that big shiny house; family, neighbors, and friends, all came at a moments notice.  Calls of support and offers of kindness from those with already had busy lives came to just to make mine a little bit easier.   Oh how I hate asking for help but I just couldn't do it all.   So they came,  and I watched as my house became empty of things.  And that was just it.  We had a lot of things.  Even after I sold some of the extra stuff that would never fit into a house half the size,  I still have too much.  It is time to SIMPLIFY.    

Two months after we moved I began to notice that we were spending more time as a family.  Even if only because we were forced to, due to our small living space.   I also started to see my girls, and I mean really see them.   Moments in the kitchen listening to them talk to each other about their day, their views on church, politics, friends, school, boys and so much more.  But what made the change?  Maybe the square footage but I had also made a decision to be present.  Stop finding extra things to keep me busy,  and make time for them.  Its ok to say NO to invites and not make every lunch date.  SIMPLIFY.  

Home is where I watch my children grow, be a wife and best friend.  Home is where there is safety, love and happiness.   So I guess the TV shows are right "there is no place like home."  And location has nothing to do with it.  

So What Do You Do?

We as women, get asked often, "so what do you do?"  This question can either depress you or give you an opportunity to embellish the truth.  I remember a day sitting there with my 4th brand new baby girl.  Women from my church had come by to visit.  "So what do you do, do you have any hobbies?"  I started to tear up as I realized I had no answer.  Hobbies?! I barely leave my house.  My highlight is going to the grocery store all by myself and taking my sweet time.  Possibly lying about how long the checkout line is so I can sit in the car a little longer in peace.  So no I don't have hobbies unless you count laundry.   After a minute, I tell them I scrapbook, hoping that will make me sound less homely.  And by scrap-booking I mean printing out pictures and putting them in one of those cheap plastic photo pages and placing it in a 3 ring binder. 

Ten years later,  I try not to sigh when asked this question.  Still just as busy and no time to myself.  I am a professional dance mom, cheer mom, soccer mom, and my hobby is how to turn my SUV into a traveling circus and be three places at once.   And don't forget still act like the love Goddess your husband still thinks you have the energy to be.  Do I have a hobby? Get real.   If I could fit in a nap every day, I would claim that as my hobby.  

The Other Four Letter Word...

The "diet" subject has been on my mind for a while now.  If we as moms are not happy with what we look like, how will our children build a  positive self image?.  We throw the word "diet" around like its a normal way of eating.  Replace that four letter word with "healthy lifestyle" and it takes on a whole different meaning.   Diet implies we are denying ourselves of food while on the other hand practicing a healthy lifestyle implies we care about ourselves enough to treat our bodies  the right way emotionally and physically for a longer period of time.  

I had the opportunity to teach health and fitness to girls ages 8-11 today.  I was surprised at their answers.  Did you know your girls already believe that you exercise to lose weight?  While that is a realistic goal for some, they are too young to be thinking about losing pounds.  Having the discussion about physical and emotional health starts now.  Eating disorders don't just begin in High School, a girls self image is growing right before your eyes, now.  And when that image is less than good, self doubt creeps in and bad habits can start to form.  Having three girls in high school, I can tell you that the pressure to look a certain way is stronger than ever, including how thin you are.  Yes we are pummeling our kids with words like "self esteem " and "equality" , making sure everyone gets a participation trophy and build them up to be the best they can be. But where is the talk about self worth?  The belief that you are important simply because you are a child of God and perfect in every way.  The difference between self esteem and self worth is that self esteem is what your impression of yourself is, self worth is having faith that God loves you and knows who you are. That self confidence and love for yourself comes from a higher power.  

I don't believe kids need a fitness routine, normal day to day activities that children love to do is staying active.  Sports, hiking, family walks, jumping on the trampoline, dancing etc., all a good way to stay fit and happy.   A child that is active, is healthy.    One of my favorite suggestions was having a "dance party before school"  What a great way to start the day.  The second half is teaching our kids to eat right.  

Myth #2. All carbs are bad.  What?!  Please eat good carbs, emphasis on "good" carbs.  Your 10 yr old should not be staying clear of all carbs.   Offer a balanced snack.  They all had great suggestions but not balanced.  Add peanut butter with your apple, string cheese to your fruit, cottage cheese with your veggies...Yes we can all Google enormous amounts of info on this subject but it has to be there and available for your kids to try it.  Moving on the breakfast.  My teens are the worst at eating poorly in the morning.  Think about it, they have six hours of school or more, team practices right after and possibly work.  There is not enough nutrients in a granola bar to sustain you or the candy bar they ate for lunch.  It took some time but my girls are finally starting to see the wisdom on fueling your body for an active life.   You wouldn't start off for a trip to California on an empty tank of gas, nor will you have the energy to think clearly if you don't fuel up right in the morning and eat healthy through out the day.  Do not skip meals!  

My point is, watch how and what you say about exercise and eating.  Sit down with your kids, explain the difference between dieting and living healthy.  There is a time and place where loosing weight is the right choice, overseen by a professional and pediatrician if needed.  I am guilty myself of talking about how much weight I wanted to lose so often  that I started to see the negative effect it had on my girls.  Sitting them all down and explaining the difference changed my attitude and outlook as well as theirs.  I no longer use the word " diet"  I simply say "I need to eat better". Because when  I do , I feel better and I can keep up with my demanding life.

(Disclaimer...I am not a Doctor, these are my opinions based on years of practice and being a mom of 4 girls.)

It's All Your Fault!

"Its all your fault"  my daughter says.  The wide range of things that seem to be my fault is consistently getting larger.  It's my fault they got a bad grade, lost their homework, late to school, late to dance practice, can't find cheer shoes , can't find socks, can't find food, missing books, missing keys, no groceries (ok that is my fault.)  Actually I'm flattered that I seem to hold  the power to know where all things are.  Somewhere along the way my children believe I can see back in time and into the future.  That I have logged in my brain where they last left anything they own.  

We as moms have a secret, it's called professional guessing.  I can guess where you last left your cheer uniform, probably guess your socks are dirty and  you ate all the food.  I don't mind taking the heat, I am the safest outlet for all my girls frustrations. My doors are open morning, noon and night. However girls seem to have the height of emotions no matter how big or small the issue at hand is. There are tears over a lost phone, tears over fights with friends and tears over not finding the right outfit to wear!  There are moments when you are a loss of how to help your teen because the overwhelming amount of tears coming from your child is that of a 2 year old that just dropped its ice cream cone onto cement.  There is no consoling, its like waiting in line for a Disney ride and you are trying to figure out if there is a fast pass.  Wouldn't that be awesome?   A ticket for your teen that says "come back at 2:30"  the line to rationalization will be shorter.  

Someday my girls will see what is really my fault.  It's my fault they can make decisions on their own, my fault they graduated high school and hopefully college.  My fault they pick themselves up when life knocks them down.  And definitely my fault to know God is the center of all.  Someday they will be mothers and it will all be their fault.    

If its not a 100 miles, you aren't really a cyclist....

I started riding a road bike about six years ago, part of my "getting healthy" goal.  My first event was 25 miles.  I was so nervous.  First you have to ride on the streets where cars may or may not move over.  Where trucks get just close enough to cause you unnecessary fear.   I'm sure they think its funny, I however almost peed.  So there I was,  all geared up. New helmet, new gloves, new bike shorts...(like that would help)  After just 10 miles, I had pain in unspeakable places. I thought for sure that I would have permanent nerve damage.  I  began thinking to myself  "thank heavens I'm done having children, cause nothing is coming out of me ever again,  in fact sex may never happen again". My more experienced friends assured me, the more I cycled the better it would get.  I really didn't believe them, all I knew is my lady parts may fall off.  But I made it! 25 miles.   I remember how ecstatic I was, but oddly no one else seem to be.   My enthusiasm didn't seemed to be shared by anyone.  In fact at this particular race, there wasn't anyone at the finish line.  No cow bells, no cheering section, not even any food  (that's probably for the 100 mile riders).  So I rode to my car and went home.   Over the next couple of years I managed to get up to 67 miles!  Now we are talking, peers starting noticing me and this is when I started hearing about the all coveted 100 mile ride!  "I just had to do it", all my super fit model friends like to tell me. You will start your training early in the season, wear the thickest padded shorts you can buy and you will get bragging rights.  100 miles means you are the best of the best, the road warriors with the matching jerseys, more in shape than most and an endurance envied by all.  You can't wait to hear the "oohs" and "awes" of how awesome you are.  Right?

Fast forward 3 years to 2012.  I'm training for the 100.  I'm going to do it!  I trained for months, I felt fantastic.  Well almost.  I noticed 2 months into training that my heart rate was off.  It was hard to maintain an even heart rate and sometimes difficult  to catch my breath.  I ignored it.  Once I had to stop because my left quad was uncontrollably twitching and cramping up.  I ignored that too and chalked it up to over training....I just kept going.

Little Red 2012 was here.  I was ready to go mentally and physically, this was my day!.  It wasn't until mile 72 that I almost passed out.  The on staff medic checked my heart rate.  It was way too high, took 30 min for it to come down to normal.  They wanted me to stop, but I said NO.  It was only 28 miles left, seriously only 90 min to go!  There was absolutely no way I was going to quit. I drafted behind my friend Janna for the rest of the way.  She was cheering me on, supporting me and determined to get me to the finish line.  The medic drove by a couple of times to check on me, but I waved him on by. I can't stop.  I made it, 8 hrs later I was at the finish line.  I cried.  I made it, I cycled the 100 century mile ride.  And something inside told me, I may never get to again.

Two months later I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.  I took a year off from any cycle events.  I  continued to train my body in a new way.  Trying to figure out how to build muscle with a body that tires out and takes twice as much work to see results.  In 2014 I went back to Little Red, finishing my 50 mile ride.  My attitude was different this time.  I was thanking God I could still get on a bike, that my legs still worked, that my heart and lungs could still get me through.  Tears of utter gratitude and joy as I crossed the finish line.

2015.  I planned to do the 50 miler again.  But my body says otherwise, maybe next week it would be different.  But not today.  At first I was disappointed.  Frustrated that my body wasn't doing what I knew it could!  I decided 27 miles was going to be my best for today.  I realized half way through, how fantastic riding 27 miles is.  For all those stuck in a hospital bed, confined to a wheelchair,  working full time, whatever it may be.  I ride for them.  Because I can.  I love being asked how far I rode.  As if it matters.  A typical reply to the 27 mile is "ahhh, good for you."  In a tone that says, at least you tried and really a monkey could do it.  A tone that says, I took the easy route.   I didn't peddle a 100 miles. But I did make it to the same finish line.  What you get out of the finish line is up to you.   I train women almost every day, that are overcoming an uphill battle with their health, that are too hard on themselves.  To them, I promise to be a better cheerleader for any goal met.  The first mile ran, the first 5 miles on a bike, the first 10 min jogging without stopping....Woo woo way to go, you are amazing!

My MS Story

 My symptoms started in March of 2012.   I had just begun training for my first 100-mile bike ride with Little Red.   I was pretty fit, but my heart rate would race, my muscles would cramp up, and I couldn't catch my breath.  But guess who ignored those signs? Yep, I did. So, I went for it and pushed through the next three months of training.   It was the first weekend of June, and I was determined to ride 100 miles.  By mile 72, I knew I was in trouble; I waited 30 minutes for my heart rate to come down and be cleared by an EMT.   In my heart, I knew I would never go this distance again.   I got back on my bike, and I drafted behind my friend's bike to make it the rest of the way.  She honestly pulled me to the finish line.  (Thank you, Janna:)

The weeks to follow were a rainbow of symptoms.  Extreme fatigue, loss of balance, hot flashes, muscle weakness, and then one morning, I couldn't get out of bed without falling over. I had seen my primary care Dr, a heart specialist,  my gynecologist, and finally, an ENT.  I went from thinking it was anxiety to wondering if it was early menopause.  And finally, I knew it had to be a sinus infection.  So, I called my ENT.   It took almost two months for a doctor to determine what was wrong.  I remember sitting in my ENT's office waiting for my MRI results and to hear those words I had heard so many times before: "Well, I can't see anything out of the ordinary."  But that's not what Dr Ventura said.    When he told me my MRI report showed abnormal brain scan results and I would need to see a Neurologist, it was everything I could do not to go running out of his office.   So I sat there alone, while he went through the details of my MRI report.  All I could think was, "There is something wrong with my brain...."  But at least I wasn't crazy. How was I going to tell my husband and my kids?   Within a couple of weeks, I was hooked up to IV steroids and still had no clue what MS was.  The little info I could grasp was I had lesions on my brain, there was no cure,  and I had no idea what my future would now look like.

Fast forward four years.  I have had several relapses, but thankfully, all have come and gone, and I'm now in remission once again.  I'm so grateful I'm still teaching, keeping up with my kids, and running full speed.  I take naps now.  There will always be bad days, but I get out of bed every day and do what I love.  If anything, I've learned to appreciate my life a lot more.

** Update** 3/2022

It's been ten years since diagnosis. MS has progressed, leaving some nerve damage on my left side.  We moved someplace warmer in hopes of lessening the pain I felt in the cold and lower altitude. I am on new meds once again, but I may not be able to continue due to side effects. I still maintain an active lifestyle. I am a personal trainer and love being outdoors.  I continue to advocate for educating others on the benefits of fitness and MS. 

**Update** 12/23 

New meds were a terrible idea. I have since then come off all medications for MS.  I feel amazing, better than I have in 5 years. Yes, still, some nerve damage on my left side and cognitive can worsen with stress and fatigue, but I'm more myself these days: sunshine, supplements, and exercise. That's all I need.