I am 90% happily married, because let's be real no one is a 100% happy in their marriage. Even if they do post a picture with a heart around it, claiming they've never fought. Not only have I been married for 25 years, I've know my husband for 30 years. We met when I was just 15 years old. We were best friends, not even dating until one day he woke up and realized I was crazy about him. By then I was 20 years old and ready for him to dump his current girlfriend and propose to me. The rest is history and we were married July 15th, 1994.
Sounds like a picture perfect relationship right? It had all the right fairytale details but the truth was, I had no idea how to be a wife. I was raised in a very dysfunctional home with a lot of yelling, door slamming and verbal abuse. Somehow I thought getting married myself would mean I could start fresh and make my own relationship a fairytale. But that was not the picture perfect story that unfolded. My Prince charming had flaws and I was no princess.
I have created a list of tips. The best of what I have learned over the years. What you choose to do with it is entirely up to you. You don't even have to agree with it. And in another 10 years I'm sure I'll add more to it.
1. Don't try to fix each other. I knew what I was getting into when we got married. It was no surprise what our personalities were like. I was once told to pick the top 10 things that drive me nuts about him and then let them go. Not to say that we haven't grown together and improved on the things we've needed to work on. But I see no sense in wasting energy on the small stuff. Do I hate that the clothes never make into a laundry basket? Of course! But his clothes are on my floor. He comes home every night to me because he worked all day for our family. Take a deep breath and let it go.
2. I believe in going to bed angry. Most of the time you are just tired and worn out from a long day. Staying up all night to fight and figure it all out may get you nowhere. Chances are when you wake up it won't seem nearly as bad. If it does, you can think more clearly to resolve it together. And if all else fails, take your shirt off. That's right ladies I went there. No man can even think straight let alone focus enough to even remember why he was mad if he's staring at you topless. Nine times out of ten that fight will be over. (Obviously no children are around) ha ha. It's advice I've now given to my married daughter.
3. Freedom is important. I am so thankful to have a husband that has never put requirements on my time. I've always been able to go out with friends, have girls weekend, or time to myself. Even when the girls were little, we found a way. I was home all day being a wife and mom and those free times were important. In return I tried to make being at home a place he could relax and have his own time.
4. Listen to each other. Communication is key. We are both hot-headed people. Sometimes I can hang on to my pride for a very long time. Which means I will have the last word! Not a good moment for me. But then something happened that changed my view. I got a lifelong illness, it made me too tired to argue. So I began to listen, and realized that's all he needed in the first place. Men are simple. I'm not saying that in a mean way, but they are not hard to figure out. Sex, food, and sleep are the three things to keep them happy. If lacking in one, you'll know it. Women on the other hand, get all touchy feely and have emotional needs. I can stop talking for days if I don't feel like I'm getting any attention. Like I'm waiting for him to read my mind and figure it out. A simple conversation would have done the trick. "Hey could we go for a walk...."
5. Being respectful in private and in public. I was raised without this concept and it took me longer than it should to practice it. What you say about your spouse in front of children especially, sticks with them. Saying anything disrespectful in public is meant to demean, embarrass and has no place in a marriage. Kindness matters and is the only way to stay in love, and not just for the health insurance.
6. The two of you come first. Yes the kids are the top of the list and they are the light of your life, but when they come first too often, your marriage will start lacking the oxygen it needs to stay alive. Another lesson I learned that hard way. Don't make yourself so busy that you become the last thing of each other's lists.
7. To the women reading this. Be kind to yourself. In 25 years of marriage I have gone up and down with weight, depression, and anxiety. I worried too often that my husband wouldn't love me as much if I didn't look a certain way. It was years before I believed that what he loved was me being a confident strong woman, a loving mom to our girls, and seeing me do my best. That includes being loving to him. But I also believe we can make being at home all day an excuse to let ourselves go. Maybe not everyday but make that extra effort to put yourself together. Caring about yourself is sexy.
8. Laugh often! Flirt even more. Before kids, we could stay up all night talking and then sleep until noon. Having kids made those talks a happen little earlier and less often, but we have remained the best of friends. We can laugh until we cry. Our kids think we are nuts. After knowing each other so long there are things that no one else even thinks is funny but I crack up. Our children make us laugh, one of our favorite things to do is turn off the TV and just laugh and talk with our girls. And flirt, yes flirt. Don't ever lose that. It will embarrass your kids as they grow up and catch on, but its healthy. We are not big on PDA but somehow we haven't lost the art of flirting. I would rather have my kids remember their parents being "gross" than not showing any affection.
9. Be selfless in all you do. Jump at the chance to serve each other without expecting anything in return. When we got married, I whispered "Don't forget the little things." I wanted to always do the small things that made each other happy. When he brings me home a drink or scrapes off my windshield, that is love.
10. Support each others dreams. It may mean taking turns at different points of your life but just like you want everything for your children, so should you want that for your spouse. Do everything in your power to keep that creativity and dream alive. It may be a hobby or career but go down that road together.
11. Be ok with making mistakes. You will make them, in marriage, and in parenting. How we handle it is what's really important. Sincerely apologize and figure out how to do better next time and move on. Even with my teenagers I whole heartily admit I do not know everything about parenting and ask for patience as I figure it out. Holding on to grudges effects you personally and damages the strongest of relationships. Not all situations can be resolved that easily but when the situation allows, forgive and hug it out.
12. Hold tight to your faith in God. This may not be for everyone but it is for our home and marriage. Our belief in God has carried us through every mountain of trials and made the happy moments even more special. Being married to a man that shows his faith in God has given me the strength to move forward many times when I just didn't have it in me. I knew at the age of 21 when we were married that our faith would be the binding glue to keep us together. It gives us purpose, hope, guidance, and so much more.
No, marriage is not a fairytale. It takes time, learning from mistakes, and a lot work. But with all that comes all the beautiful moments, memories, and children. It's been worth every moment. The best part is, there will be a Happily Ever After. Just minus the castle.
Do we really need a seminar on how to be an adult on social media? What happened to accepting responsibility for your actions and just fixing it? Im stunned that I see so many personal agendas being addressed over a social media platform. You could just go directly to the person you have an issue with and work it out. If your neighbors dog barks too much, go talk to your neighbor. Chances are your neighbor will see the post, will then comment and be embarrassed that you've already made it public. Now you have two problems. I remember a time when making a personal phone call, writing a letter or a simple face to face chat was a much more adult way to solve a problem. Do I have to say "back in the day?"
Let's talk about sharing personal information. Give me eight minutes, Ill do a Ted Talk on things NOT to post. Employers, parents, and schools you are applying to, ....are all looking at your social media. Posting about your medication, fights you had and using bad language is not going to look well. If I was choosing between two candidates for a job, you bet I'd pick the one that has a stable social media. As far as medical goes, it is a personal decision when sharing info on medical conditions. Posting about medical conditions for support and education can be a great way to raise funds and awareness. It can also be very therapeutic. Just make sure you are never sharing someone else's info without their permission.
So let's be clear. Your Social Media personal page is awesome for keeping memories, staying connected to family and friends, and even opinions when done in a responsible manor. Social media for business is fantastic for generating new leads and growing your revenue.
True fact, when my daughter asks to go on a date and I don't know this person well, I look at their social media. It's amazing what teens will post. And if they have foul language, violent art, inappropriate attire, etc the answer is NO. What makes you think you will date my daughter? Teach your kids at an early age the responsibility of information sharing on social media. And yes I have access to all my kids accounts.
Women tend to create drama where there doesn't need to be any. If it wasn't for my business I'm not sure I'd be on social media at all. I've loved it for keeping track of pictures, its kind of a journal for me. I am not scrapbooker! So when pointless drama sneaks in, I just want to shake the person creating the drama and say "hey you are better than that!" We often talk about being real, lifting women up, and being a support system. Then do that!, how genuine you are matters. Not to mention you could really cause someone emotional trauma. Be kind always. Maybe I can clear up a few areas that create the drama in the first place.
You have the "Attention Seekers", the "I'm having a really bad day".... but don't tell you what is wrong. 50 people then proceed to send emojis of happy crying faces. If you had a bad day at work, say that. Getting support from others who can relate could be really helpful. Just don't be too vague about it. There's a difference between wanting the attention from everyone asking "whats wrong?" to letting friends know your day was terrible and could use some support.
You have the "perfect life" sharers....No ones life is perfect, give me something real besides your perfect vacations, relationships and over the top parenting. People want relatable, not unreachable. We try so hard not to compare, but we do it anyway. Now I do have friends that use their face book just to keep up with family memories, and then go on to make photo albums out of it. Thats a great idea. But I'm talking about the over compensating comments, with a heart around the anniversary pic and telling me you've never had a fight in 15 years.
Next comes the "opinion moderators" They want your opinion, but only if its inline with what they are preaching. Be careful you may find your comment deleted entirely. You are missing a growth opportunity if you don't look at all sides. I find myself commenting less and less on pages I know have a tendency to delete and control opinions.
The "home business multi marketers" I love supporting small businesses but be upfront about it. I've gotten personal messages asking about my family and commenting on family vacations only to end with "I have a video for you to watch, no obligation but I need 10 people." Really? I don't have time for it. If you want me to review a product, just be direct in your intentions.
And last but not least, The "offended" Yes you've been offended, maybe not even on social media but you are going to call them out publicly. I do not want to know what you ex husband said to you, the family argument word for word or that your sister slept with your husband and "haha" to them you posted it public. Airing dirty laundry on social media is never a good idea, it doesn't look good for you. And lacks maturity. You may have been truly been hurt, but no one knows the real circumstances and public shaming can really do harm.
In all these situations it is easily solved by getting back to being personable and responsible. Ask yourself what your agenda is first. Could it be solved by reaching out? Is the information too personal? Would I want a future employer, school or family to see it? Does it enrich my life, or someone else's? Is my post a hidden agenda meant for someone to read between the lines? And the last question to ask yourself, could it ever be used legally against you? My husband is an attorney, believe me your social media can be used for evidence.
As social media grows in popularity and it doesn't seem to be going away, choose wisely what your content is. It's an amazing tool for business, a remarkable way to stay in touch with family and friends, and building communication across the globe. Just keep the drama out of it.
*Its almost funny that I will have to add, these are only my opinions....
