Saturday, May 27, 2017

The Suburban Mom Fairy Tale

You've seen her.  The perfect suburban mom.  White skinny jeans, hair done by 9 a.m, already pushing her Ambercrombie children in a double stroller to the park. The dialogue starts running through your head as you sit at the stop sign driving your children late to school.....again.  Wearing your fuzzy PJ's, no bra and a long jacket to hide it all.  "I bet she got up at 5 a.m. and ran 8 miles too."  You despise her just a little, and you don't even know her. "Miss skinny jeans probably has a perfect husband, great job and fantastic sex. Who does she think she is? Why can't she look tired like the rest of us?  My kids got handed dry cereal in a zip-loc bag as I rushed them off to school. Sure hope they brushed their teeth and put on a clean pair of socks. " In 60 seconds flat you feel like the worse mom ever.  Drive away, just drive away.  

Once upon a time I had that perfectly put together neighbor. Beautifully curled hair, a body to die for, kids that came straight out of an ad, a husband that adored her and a house that was kept as tidy as they come. And she did get up at 5 a.m for the gym., chipper as a bird on crack! Her kids went to bed at 7, and up by 6 a.m., homemade breakfast everyday and stories of how her husband loved to snuggle every night. (gag).....for the love I just wanted her to stop talking.  It wasn't till a year later that I learned Sam had been extremely depressed all year. Her marriage was struggling and that perfect persona was just a mirage. Her attempts to keep it all together had rubbed off into making sure her children also appeared perfect. It left her no time to rest because if she did she would have let go of the image she had created. So she stayed busy.  But she had grown tired.  Life was catching up to her and she needed to be real even if just for an hour. I was extremely humbled that she confided in me, I felt guilty for judging her. It taught me a valuable lesson, grass isn't always greener....


The Suburban Fairytale we tell ourselves...."I am only as perfect as what I let them see."  Somewhere along the way we as woman felt the need to do it all on our own as to not be judged for our short comings.  "If my house is unkept, then I am less of homemaker.  If my kids aren't sterling scholars with their life all figured out I must not have tried hard enough.  If I don't smile and say everything is fine, they will know something is wrong." But no one knows of the two jobs she is holding down just to make ends meet or the migraine she went to bed with and still managed to get the kids off to school the next morning.  Getting ready for the day, was simply all she could do. What about the single mom who is the provider, home maker, and listening sound board.  The woman who has been waiting years to have a family of her own and still manages to support every wedding and baby shower with a smile on her face.  

In that fairytale kingdom we call home, we may be suffering within those castle walls. Wives and mothers with depression, an illness, a wayward child, grief, abuse, loneliness, or struggling with self esteem.  It is a hard thing to feel like you have to go it alone. We tell ourselves that everyone is too busy, or its embarrassing to ask for help.  I get it. I hate asking for help.  Because I fear what everyone will think or that I will inconvenience someone. Fear that they will see into my life and be disappointed. There is a real fear of losing ones friends if they knew the real you.    

Ladies, true friends cannot be lost.  Let them see the real you.  It is those moments of realness and vulnerability that allows love to grow.  If there is anything I could change from this moment on, it would be honesty about my life. The good, the bad and the sometimes awesome. Because in moments of truth and sharing, you gain strength from others. Others who may be feeling the same pressures of life. Ask for help, lean on one another, you may be answering their prayer to help another in need.  

And the next time I pass by that perfect mom with the seemingly perfect life, I might just say hello.  
After all, she was walking alone.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Mother Hover

I was the second of seven children and held a big responsibility in watching my siblings.  I held 2 part time jobs in high school, made my car payments and paid my own car insurance. I didn't ask for money from my parents, if I wanted to go somewhere I rode my bike or didn't go. There was a time when my family had no money and I watched my mom pull together other resources.  In 5th grade I was asked why I didn't own a pair of jeans.  It was the first time I realized it even mattered.

I knew how to take care of sick siblings, cook dinner, do my own laundry, find directions by asking, talk to people, make appointments, and find information on my own. Have you seen a teen struggle to even talk to another adult?  It is painful to watch. They have spent so much time using technology to communicate they have lost the art of speaking. When my oldest was 18 I walked her into her eye appointment at Wal-mart and dropped her off. Told her to sign in, fill out the form and wait for her appointment. She had an instant panic attack! But I walked away and she braved her fear of talking to people face to face.

Obviously if your child is very young this may not apply. But kids/teens who see you work through struggles, health issues, finances will learn how to problem solve as an adult. If we hide it all and only let them see life through rose colored glasses, then how will they handle any crisis? 

"Some kids don't lean from watching others experience things. They have to learn these lessons all for themselves. If we are consistently protecting our kids from the consequences of their choices they are going to go into adulthood completely unprepared. "  Stephanie Stewart

When did we turn into this society that we fear our kids may not have it all?  We over compensate by signing them up in multiple activities, then add private lessons and to top it all off we pay for it all! They lack the appreciation because they have come to expect it.  I am so guilty of all of it.  I'm not sure where that all comes from, maybe from watching my brothers get all the attention for sports. It's a competitive world out there and we naturally want our kids to have the best chance. But at what cost? If I could do it over, I would start with focusing more on academics and how to earn the privilege of extra activities. They would earn money to understand the costs and at the very least teach them the importance of the value of money.