The "Best Mom Ever"

Are you one of those women that has the Mother's Day Blues? Is it a day you find difficult to celebrate? Me too! It seems like a lot of pressure to be the "best mom." Maybe you're having a hard time conceiving, maybe you've had miscarriages, or maybe like me, you feel like you have fallen short as a mom and so it is hard to do the traditional Mother's Day.  

Years ago I decided in an effort to help my children celebrate Mother's Day, I would figure out a way that would help my girls enjoy the day instead of watching me resent it. Because I do love being a mom. So the Mothers Day Staycation was born. Every year we go out of town (Like 25 miles away, haha) just me and my girls. That way I am not sitting in my bed in my best mom PJ look, wondering what to do with the potted plant my kid made me in school. I am out laughing, sitting in a hot tub, going to dinner, and shopping until we drop. Though I feel like I have not always been the best mom, I have loved them every second of every day. 

I grew up in a very dysfunctional home. But the one of the things my Dad was really good at, was celebrating Mother's Day. I loved Mother's Day as a kid. I loved getting all the siblings together and doing all the traditional stuff for my Mom. And when my Dad was not in town my older sister did all the work and we were so proud. To see my Mom's face light up bringing her breakfast was all the thanks we needed. 

But with my own family it's been hard. I've had four total miscarriages and four live births, I've been pregnant eight times. The first couple were exceptionally difficult. I remember after the loss, wearing form fitting dresses to work so everyone would figure it out, and I wouldn't have to explain it. I wanted to be a mom so badly and so Mother's Day was generally spent in tears. Flowers were being handed out in church as I watched moms holding their brand new babies. I began to avoid Mother's Day all together. Years later  my struggle with depression and anxiety, mixed with my feelings of inadequacy as a mother hasn't made it it any easier. I find it hard to go to church on Mother's Day and listen to all the wonderful stories about being this perfect Mom.  I just feel like I'll never live up to it. I know that's not what it's meant to do but I would love just one sermon on keeping it real! 

I want my girls to know motherhood is one of the greatest blessings even on the days I forgot to feed my toddler lunch because I had morning sickness with my second pregnancy. Or that time I forgot my 6 month old in the car for 20 minutes while I shopped for her in Old Navy. (True story). My Mother's Day may not be the typical get up in the morning with breakfast in bed but I like my version. And even though my girls are getting older and moving out, I have already warned them that every year around Mother's Day it will be a girls weekend!

 

Find a tradition that works for you. Celebrate your own mother, celebrate the women who have influenced your life. I didn't raise my girls on my own, it's taken a small village of family, friends, adopted Grandmas, and mentors to get us here.  So Happy Mothers Day, you're doing the best you can. Truth be told I like the potted plant, handprint painted wreath and the popsicle frame. But from my hotel bed. 

Getting Honest With Your Food

I didn't want to write this post because then I would have to admit I've been lying to myself a little at a time for years. But it's time to get honest, honest about the food I'm putting into my body.  I tell myself that if I workout more, I can cheat more on food and then still expect to lose weight.  It doesn't work that way.  Only 20% of weight loss is working out, the other 80% is what you eat! I'm not one to count my macros, it works great for many but I don't have the time or the brain power to keep track of it.  However I eat mostly healthy. Anyone on that diet?  (laugh) The Mostly healthy eating plan?  Then I blame my fluctuating weight gain on water retention, medication, or "it must have been the dairy." Those excuses don't get us very far.

The word HONEST keeps popping up in my news feed. Nothing like a good dose of guilt to make you rethink your eating habits. I ordered a hamburger at a restaurant and then thought "I'm lying to myself!" Usually the dialogue in my head rationalizes how much I worked out that day so I can fudge a little on calories. I can eat this big hamburger because I will do more at the gym the next day.  I changed it to a bunless hamburger, no fries. Suddenly I'm relieved that I didn't lie to my body. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you will follow a food plan a 100% every day. I'm honest about treats too. I'm going to have 2 cookies, but for real only 2 cookies. Then add in the water factor and ask yourself are you really drinking enough water? It comes down to this, changing eating habits takes time. It's not an overnight transformation. But part of that process is taking responsibility for your eating and exercise goals.  

Here are a few tips that have helped me.

When starting a new eating plan, get a support group. Be accountable to someone. I'm in a couple of groups. Just because I teach fitness classes doesn't mean it comes easy.  I have a couple of inspiring people I follow on Instagram.  They have to be motivating, real and good common sense. 

Meal prep if you can.  I have a small fridge and not a lot of space,  its not always easy for me to meal prep but my instapot has become a lifesaver for quick healthy meals. Take snacks with you. If you  are going to be out more than 2 hrs, pack a snack. We all have very busy schedules. Carpooling, running errands, work, and so much more. So instead of stopping at that fast food drive through, just pack a small lunch box and be prepared.  

Don't fall for the latest and greatest fad diet. The simple truth is you need "real food".  If you can't decode the ingredients, then pass on it. Make sure you are eating the right calories for you and your lifestyle. I started tracking my vegetables and protein again because I wasn't eating enough protein to sustain my workouts.

As far as the "right" workout goes, find a workout plan that motivates you. I'm not a runner, I'm bored at mile 2! I've tried, then I go get my bike. The winter gets tough for me so I do more workouts from home if I'm not teaching fitness classes that day. Are you someone who likes working out with a friend, or is it your me time? Just remember 2-3 days a week of strength training and 4-5 days of cardio.  Because at the end of a workout I'm not looking in a mirror to see how good I look, I'm asking myself how I felt after my workout.  Honesty works with this too. Did I really put in the effort I wanted to? I can't expect change if I'm not putting in the honest work. 

Having said all that, do not beat yourself up for imperfection!  It's what makes us relatable and real.  Nothing I said in this post is pressure to look like someone that came out of a magazine. It has everything to do with living a long, healthy, happy life. We all have this amazing ability to take care of others, its in our nature, but we have got to take better care of ourselves. Give yourself permission. 

Dr Appointment Tips for Chronic Illness

I'm going to make this simple, again these are just ideas I have learned along the way.  Many times I don't want to ask for assistance with my appointment either because I don't want to bother anyone or I just want to keep it private. But there are a few things that have helped make my appointments easier.

Doctor appointments with a specialist can take up half your day. If you think the appointment is going to make you tired then have someone drive you. I had one appointment take four hours and I was mentally spent.  Thankfully my husband had come with me.

Having a second person there can help you remember all the info that is being thrown at you.  And ask questions you may not think they even had.  I forget my husband hasn't been to all the appointments and may not understand everything that is going on, so it can be a great opportunity for family to get clarity as well.

It may sound silly, but take water and a snack. It is no fun to get stuck in an appointment longer than you expected.

I take notes. I have a google doc I have kept track of all my symptoms, relapses, medication changes, tests and any changes to my health.  I know my memory is bad so it good to have a something I can easily pull up on my phone when my Dr is asking me about my previous health history.  I make sure to take a list of questions in as well as a list of any current symptoms. You can take notes during your appointment, but if that isn't convenient,  I write everything down as soon as I  leave my appointment

Ask questions. If something isn't quite making sense, it is your appointment and your health.  Don't leave until you are satisfied with the visit.  If you make an appointment before you leave, add it immediately to the calendar on your phone.  I lose that little business card every time!

If you have any suggestions or questions, please leave a comment.

Chronic Illness-Ideas For Supporting The Ones We Love

You have a friend or a loved one that has a chronic illness, or maybe it is yourself. Either way we need ideas for how to help. Chances are you have asked, tried, worried yourself into a frenzy and can even get frustrated in trying find ways to help.  I was going to look up tips on the web, and then decided to stick to what I have learned through experience. You will find a lot out there. I hope my personal insights will help you.

In the beginning you are given an overwhelming amount of info. You barely get whats happening, let alone your loved ones. I remember coming home that first day from my Dr's office after confirming it was MS. I had just a few hours before I would be hooked up to IV's for a strong dose of steroids and I was still unclear on what multiple sclerosis even was. All I heard was blah blah blah...something is wrong with your brain...blah blah blah....no cure....blah blah blah....it can get worse! Oh my gosh we were all in shock. I thought maybe had early menopause, maybe a sinus infection, but no such luck, I have something wrong with my BRAIN! My family gathered round like I was going to die.  Phone calls were made, prayers said, and tears shed. I didn't know who to call, or where to even begin and wondered what was my life going to be now.  It seemed like overnight that my future was not going to be the future I had planned.

Tip #1,  It's Gonna Be OK. Don't act like they are deaths bed or tell them stories about the latest story you heard of someone that died from an illness like yours. I was once asked "how do even get out of bed in the morning? Isn't it just so depressing?" Umm no, I still look forward to my day, it may not be what it used to look like, but I happily get out of bed. Chronic illness makes life more  difficult, but not impossible. It can lead to complications but most of us live a long life. So that's what I'm planning on.

Tip #2,  Ask questions.  I love it when people ask me questions about MS, education is the best way to get the word out. In 2015 I was on a panel of Mothers With Chronic Illnesses. Included mothers with Fibromyalgia, Chronic Pain, and Chronic Back Pain. I was stunned to learn all that they go through on a daily basis. I learned so much from each of them and how they cope. There are websites for everything, I encourage you to seek them out. You will find info on symptoms, causes, drug therapies, and support groups.

Tip #3 Do not send the latest and greatest cure. Chances are we have gotten the emails, and seen all the social media posts etc. If you insist, do some research first. Not all articles are current or factual.  My MS was not caused by drinking Diet Coke, a tick, or even lack of sunlight.  Although I would like to use it as my reason for having to live on the beach someday.  Rubbing on a $50 bottle of a plant oil may help me sleep better but it can't replace the drug therapies my doctors have prescribed me.  And that cure they are doing over in Europe, there are reasons we aren't doing it in the US. I do love emails and texts that simply say "thinking of you, have a great day."  PS I'm drinking my Coke Zero as I type.

Tip #4 Communication! I realize what a struggle it is to "know" what a person with a C.I. even needs. So I suggest some preemptive actions. Get a list of what your loved one could use help with on a "bad day".  Have medical info on the fridge with Dr phone numbers etc. My kids know after my weekly shot, I'm sick for a day. My 13 year old is often on soup duty, my 16 yr old makes sure I have medications and my husband checks in on me now and then. In the beginning it didn't run that smooth. No one was checking on me, I was too sick to move and often angry that no one even cared! I would sob in the dark, under my electric blanket. Sad picture right? Then I realized I hadn't communicated what I was going through and what I needed. After a family meeting and a few lists, we got it down. Communication is key.

Tip #5 There will be times they don't want help. That's ok. It's hard to lose any amount of independence and adjust to limitations. It takes time to figure out where you need to ask for help and what you can still manage on your own. I often need someone to drive, but how I hate it! It has been one of the hardest things to get used to. So if they don't want help, its ok to back off.  Do what you can to make their lives easier. Just letting them know you are there is comforting.

Tip #6 Find Support. Chronic Illness can be very lonely for spouses and for the individual. Maybe even more so for the spouse. They can't actually feel what it's like,  they can't cure it and can feel left out of the process. It is easy to fall into the trap of doing it all on your own. There are support groups out there. Even if its just a phone call. I recently went to lunch with a lady that had been newly diagnosed because a friend had given her my name (with permission).  One of the first things I did after being diagnosed was get my puppy. Not everyone is a dog person, but pets can bring emotional support. I didn't want to be alone. After 5 years my little Yorkie has learned when I'm not feeling well. If I'm too cold, he can sense it and curl up on my lap to warm me up.

Tip #7 Humor is good. It's good to laugh about the craziness of it all.  I have issues with memory.  Did I really just forget my dogs name? Poor thing. Ever seen 50 First Dates?, some days it feels just like that. One night I asked one of my kids to say family prayer, only to find out they just did. I have learned to laugh and let it go. Hope somebody prayed for my memory. :) Which brings me to my next tip.

Tip #8 Stay positive. I know some days that seems so hard! Its true, watch what you say. Making comments like "you already said that" or  "I already told you..., don't you remember?" Control that urge to be frustrated out loud. Just make sure comments don't shame or guilt them. Some sleep a lot and it can't be helped.  Statements of how long they've been in bed will only add to the guilt they already feel for not having the energy to get it all done.  On the flip side-Relapses and bad days can put a strain on any relationship. Be kind to the person that is trying to support you. They are doing the best they can in circumstances that are often unpredictable.

Tip #9 Give yourself permission to not do it all. Chronic Illness or not, this is a good habit to form. It took me a long time to not have mom guilt and go through that evil list in my head that runs through everything I should have done. Now I make a list of what I did do.

Tip #10  Fill this one in by commenting below.



I hope you will add your comments, make more suggestions and reach out.  Not everyone's experience is the same.

Everything Is Not Alright

Post after post I see comments on being real. #bereal Ladies putting themselves out there to let their friends know they aren't ok. I love that, there needs to be more real. But oh my, what if I posted what my day really looked like? I still can't bring myself  to do that one. I keep thinking about how much energy it takes to appear happy when you aren't. The strength it takes some days to make yourself go to work or take care of the kids. The past few months have been filled with loss and tragedy, the struggle to teach a fitness class and put on that instructor smile was almost more than I could bare. So why couldn't I just give myself a break? A freakin break from comparing myself to another, permission to grieve, a day to be sad, a day to let the house go, a day to not expect more than I could give...why can't I let go?

I'm guessing it's fear and time. First who has time to let themselves go? But mostly fear of what others will think, fear of showing emotion, fear of letting yourself unravel, fear of being vulnerable, and maybe even the fear of being less. We tend to put up our shields to protect ourselves. Women these days seem to have to be everything for everyone. Its not enough to do your best, you feel the ever growing pressure to be the "do it all" woman. Strong, confident, passionate, kind, humble, fit, and the list goes on. None are bad qualities but before social media we gave ourselves days to be less than perfect and no one even knew. I was a train wreck during my teen years, thank heavens I don't have pictures floating out on the Cloud. So grateful I was a teen pre Facebook! Social Media has a way of making us try to live up to that perfect life, having that perfect family picture, wishing we had the money for that amazing vacation, and what about that perfect husband Sally wrote about today? Ahh they're soulmates who never fight....gag. You find yourself dreaming of a better life. Which doesn't help you manage your own struggles any better. I find myself embarrassed. That's right, embarrassed. In last 5 years we have lost our main income, had to sell our home, found out I have MS, I'm living in a rental I don't even invite my friends into for various reasons, my kids aren't getting straight A's and earning scholarships, and I pray every month to just be able to pay our bills. That's not even half of it. I'm tired of bad news, losing loved ones, and seeing the hurt in my child's eyes. If I was the bigger person I would turn that all around to say we are stronger because of our trials, and we are learning to live on faith and rice. But for once I think I would like to say everything is not alright. As a matter of fact it kinda sucks right now. 

Yes I'll get through it, yes I'm sure I will learn some life altering lesson. But on the way I'm going to be a little angry from time to time. A little resentful mixed with a bit of why me? So today, on National Girl Day, this is my "be real" post.  Because tomorrow will be National Let Yourself Go Day. (I made that up, don't Google it.) That's right a messy hair, maybe no shower( totally up to you), cry if you want to, let the house go, leave the dishes in the sink, watch a movie in the middle of the day, ooh be late, whatever it is I hope you will share your less than perfect day.

Its Ok that everything is not alright. You are enough, whether you have had one bad day or a bad year. The older I get the more I realize there's just no room for judging others. I am surrounded by strong, amazing women who I admire. Not because they do it all but because they don't pretend to. Being real is being strong.





*Model Alyssa Caldwell

The Suburban Mom Fairy Tale

You've seen her.  The perfect suburban mom.  White skinny jeans, hair done by 9 a.m, already pushing her Ambercrombie children in a double stroller to the park. The dialogue starts running through your head as you sit at the stop sign driving your children late to school.....again.  Wearing your fuzzy PJ's, no bra and a long jacket to hide it all.  "I bet she got up at 5 a.m. and ran 8 miles too."  You despise her just a little, and you don't even know her. "Miss skinny jeans probably has a perfect husband, great job and fantastic sex. Who does she think she is? Why can't she look tired like the rest of us?  My kids got handed dry cereal in a zip-loc bag as I rushed them off to school. Sure hope they brushed their teeth and put on a clean pair of socks. " In 60 seconds flat you feel like the worse mom ever.  Drive away, just drive away.  

Once upon a time I had that perfectly put together neighbor. Beautifully curled hair, a body to die for, kids that came straight out of an ad, a husband that adored her and a house that was kept as tidy as they come. And she did get up at 5 a.m for the gym., chipper as a bird on crack! Her kids went to bed at 7, and up by 6 a.m., homemade breakfast everyday and stories of how her husband loved to snuggle every night. (gag).....for the love I just wanted her to stop talking.  It wasn't till a year later that I learned Sam had been extremely depressed all year. Her marriage was struggling and that perfect persona was just a mirage. Her attempts to keep it all together had rubbed off into making sure her children also appeared perfect. It left her no time to rest because if she did she would have let go of the image she had created. So she stayed busy.  But she had grown tired.  Life was catching up to her and she needed to be real even if just for an hour. I was extremely humbled that she confided in me, I felt guilty for judging her. It taught me a valuable lesson, grass isn't always greener....

The Suburban Fairytale we tell ourselves...."I am only as perfect as what I let them see."  Somewhere along the way we as woman felt the need to do it all on our own as to not be judged for our short comings.  "If my house is unkept, then I am less of homemaker.  If my kids aren't sterling scholars with their life all figured out I must not have tried hard enough.  If I don't smile and say everything is fine, they will know something is wrong." But no one knows of the two jobs she is holding down just to make ends meet or the migraine she went to bed with and still managed to get the kids off to school the next morning.  Getting ready for the day, was simply all she could do. What about the single mom who is the provider, home maker, and listening sound board.  The woman who has been waiting years to have a family of her own and still manages to support every wedding and baby shower with a smile on her face.  

In that fairytale kingdom we call home, we may be suffering within those castle walls. Wives and mothers with depression, an illness, a wayward child, grief, abuse, loneliness, or struggling with self esteem.  It is a hard thing to feel like you have to go it alone. We tell ourselves that everyone is too busy, or its embarrassing to ask for help.  I get it. I hate asking for help.  Because I fear what everyone will think or that I will inconvenience someone. Fear that they will see into my life and be disappointed. There is a real fear of losing ones friends if they knew the real you.    

Ladies, true friends cannot be lost.  Let them see the real you.  It is those moments of realness and vulnerability that allows love to grow.  If there is anything I could change from this moment on, it would be honesty about my life. The good, the bad and the sometimes awesome. Because in moments of truth and sharing, you gain strength from others. Others who may be feeling the same pressures of life. Ask for help, lean on one another, you may be answering their prayer to help another in need.  

And the next time I pass by that perfect mom with the seemingly perfect life, I might just say hello.  

After all, she was walking alone.

Mother Hover

I was the second of seven children and held a big responsibility in watching my siblings.  I held 2 part time jobs in high school, made my car payments and paid my own car insurance. I didn't ask for money from my parents, if I wanted to go somewhere I rode my bike or didn't go. There was a time when my family had no money and I watched my mom pull together other resources.  In 5th grade I was asked why I didn't own a pair of jeans.  It was the first time I realized it even mattered.

I knew how to take care of sick siblings, cook dinner, do my own laundry, find directions by asking, talk to people, make appointments, and find information on my own. Have you seen a teen struggle to even talk to another adult?  It is painful to watch. They have spent so much time using technology to communicate they have lost the art of speaking. When my oldest was 18 I walked her into her eye appointment at Wal-mart and dropped her off. Told her to sign in, fill out the form and wait for her appointment. She had an instant panic attack! But I walked away and she braved her fear of talking to people face to face.

Obviously if your child is very young this may not apply. But kids/teens who see you work through struggles, health issues, finances will learn how to problem solve as an adult. If we hide it all and only let them see life through rose colored glasses, then how will they handle any crisis? 

"Some kids don't lean from watching others experience things. They have to learn these lessons all for themselves. If we are consistently protecting our kids from the consequences of their choices they are going to go into adulthood completely unprepared. "  Stephanie Stewart

When did we turn into this society that we fear our kids may not have it all?  We over compensate by signing them up in multiple activities, then add private lessons and to top it all off we pay for it all! They lack the appreciation because they have come to expect it.  I am so guilty of all of it.  I'm not sure where that all comes from, maybe from watching my brothers get all the attention for sports. It's a competitive world out there and we naturally want our kids to have the best chance. But at what cost? If I could do it over, I would start with focusing more on academics and how to earn the privilege of extra activities. They would earn money to understand the costs and at the very least teach them the importance of the value of money.