My Top 12 Tips For Being Married Happily Ever After

I am 90% happily married, because let's be real no one is a 100% happy in their marriage.  Even if they do post a picture with a heart around it, claiming they've never fought. Not only have I been married for 25 years, I've know my husband for 30 years. We met when I was just 15 years old. We were best friends, not even dating until one day he woke up and realized I was crazy about him. By then I was 20 years old and ready for him to dump his current girlfriend and propose to me.  The rest is history and we were married July 15th, 1994.
Sounds like a picture perfect relationship right? It had all the right fairytale details but the truth was, I had no idea how to be a wife. I was raised in a very dysfunctional home with a lot of yelling, door slamming and verbal abuse. Somehow I thought getting married myself would mean I could start fresh and make my own relationship a fairytale.  But that was not the picture perfect story that unfolded. My Prince charming had flaws and I was no princess.

I have created a list of tips. The best of what I have learned over the years. What you choose to do with it is entirely up to you.  You don't even have to agree with it.  And in another 10 years I'm sure I'll add more to it.

1.  Don't try to fix each other.  I knew what I was getting into when we got married.  It was no surprise what our personalities were like. I was once told to pick the top 10 things that drive me nuts about him and then let them go. Not to say that we haven't grown together and improved on the things we've needed to work on. But I see no sense in wasting energy on the small stuff.  Do I hate that the clothes never make into a laundry basket? Of course! But his clothes are on my floor.  He comes home every night to me because he worked all day for our family.  Take a deep breath and let it go. 

2. I believe in going to bed angry.  Most of the time you are just tired and worn out from a long day.  Staying up all night to fight and figure it all out may get you nowhere.  Chances are when you wake up it won't seem nearly as bad. If it does, you can think more clearly to resolve it together.  And if all else fails, take your shirt off.  That's right ladies I went there.  No man can even think straight let alone focus enough to even remember why he was mad if he's staring at you topless. Nine times out of ten that fight will be over. (Obviously no children are around) ha ha.  It's advice I've now given to my married daughter. 

3. Freedom is important. I am so thankful to have a husband that has never put requirements on my time. I've always been able to go out with friends, have girls weekend, or time to myself.  Even when the girls were little, we found a way.  I was home all day being a wife and mom and those free times were important.  In return I tried to make being at home a place he could relax and have his own time. 

4. Listen to each other.  Communication is key. We are both hot-headed people. Sometimes I can hang on to my pride for a very long time. Which means I will have the last word! Not a good moment for me. But then something happened that changed my view. I got a lifelong illness, it made me too tired to argue. So I began to listen, and realized that's all he needed in the first place.  Men are simple. I'm not saying that in a mean way, but they are not hard to figure out.  Sex, food, and sleep are the three things to keep them happy.  If lacking in one, you'll know it.  Women on the other hand, get all touchy feely and have emotional needs. I can stop talking for days if I don't feel like I'm getting any attention.  Like I'm waiting for him to read my mind and figure it out. A simple conversation would have done the trick. "Hey could we go for a walk...."

5. Being respectful in private and in public. I was raised without this concept and it took me longer than it should to practice it. What you say about your spouse in front of children especially, sticks with them. Saying anything disrespectful in public is meant to demean, embarrass and has no place in a marriage. Kindness matters and is the only way to stay in love, and not just for the health insurance.

6.  The two of you come first. Yes the kids are the top of the list and they are the light of your life, but when they come first too often, your marriage will start lacking the oxygen it needs to stay alive.  Another lesson I learned that hard way.  Don't make yourself so busy that you become the last thing of each other's lists.

7. To the women reading this. Be kind to yourself.  In 25 years of marriage I have gone up and down with weight, depression, and anxiety.  I worried too often that my husband wouldn't love me as much if I didn't look a certain way.  It was years before I believed that what he loved was me being a confident strong woman, a loving mom to our girls, and seeing me do my best. That includes being loving to him. But I also believe we can make being at home all day an excuse to let ourselves go. Maybe not everyday but make that extra effort to put yourself together. Caring about yourself is sexy.

8.  Laugh often! Flirt even more.  Before kids, we could stay up all night talking and then sleep until noon.  Having kids made those talks a happen little earlier and less often, but we have remained the best of friends. We can laugh until we cry. Our kids think we are nuts. After knowing each other so long there are things that no one else even thinks is funny but I crack up.  Our children make us laugh, one of our favorite things to do is turn off the TV and just laugh and talk with our girls. And flirt, yes flirt. Don't ever lose that.  It will embarrass your kids as they grow up and catch on, but its healthy. We are not big on PDA but somehow we haven't lost the art of flirting. I would rather have my kids remember their parents being "gross" than not showing any affection.

9. Be selfless in all you do. Jump at the chance to serve each other without expecting anything in return.  When we got married, I whispered "Don't forget the little things." I wanted to always do the small things that made each other happy. When he brings me home a drink or scrapes off my windshield, that is love. 

10. Support each others dreams.  It may mean taking turns at different points of your life but just like you want everything for your children, so should you want that for your spouse.  Do everything in your power to keep that creativity and dream alive. It may be a hobby or career but go down that road together.

11. Be ok with making mistakes. You will make them, in marriage, and in parenting. How we handle it is what's really important. Sincerely apologize and figure out how to do better next time and move on. Even with my teenagers I whole heartily admit I do not know everything about parenting and ask for patience as I figure it out. Holding on to grudges effects you personally and damages the strongest of relationships. Not all situations can be resolved that easily but when the situation allows, forgive and hug it out. 

12. Hold tight to your faith in God.  This may not be for everyone but it is for our home and marriage. Our belief in God has carried us through every mountain of trials and made the happy moments even more special. Being married to a man that shows his faith in God has given me the strength to move forward many times when I just didn't have it in me.  I knew at the age of 21 when we were married that our faith would be the binding glue to keep us together. It gives us purpose, hope, guidance, and so much more. 

No, marriage is not a fairytale. It takes time, learning from mistakes, and a lot work. But with all that comes all the beautiful moments, memories, and children. It's been worth every moment. The best part is, there will be a Happily Ever After.  Just minus the castle.

How to Be An Adult on Social Media

Do we really need a seminar on how to be an adult on social media? What happened to accepting responsibility for your actions and just fixing it? Im stunned that I see so many personal agendas being addressed over a social media platform. You could just go directly to the person you have an issue with and work it out. If your neighbors dog barks too much, go talk to your neighbor. Chances are your neighbor will see the post, will then comment and be embarrassed that you've already made it public. Now you have two problems. I remember a time when making a personal phone call, writing a letter or a simple face to face chat was a much more adult way to solve a problem. Do I have to say "back in the day?"

Let's talk about sharing personal information. Give me eight minutes, Ill do a Ted Talk on things NOT to post.  Employers, parents, and schools you are applying to, ....are all looking at your social media. Posting about your medication, fights you had and using bad language is not going to look well. If I was choosing between two candidates for a job, you bet I'd pick the one that has a stable social media. As far as medical goes, it is a personal decision when sharing info on medical conditions. Posting about medical conditions for support and education can be a great way to raise funds and awareness. It can also be very therapeutic.  Just make sure you are never sharing someone else's info without their permission.

So let's be clear. Your Social Media personal page is awesome for keeping memories, staying connected to family and friends, and even opinions when done in a responsible manor.  Social media for business is fantastic for generating new leads and growing your revenue.

True fact, when my daughter asks to go on a date and I don't know this person well, I look at their social media. It's amazing what teens will post. And if they have foul language, violent art, inappropriate attire, etc the answer is NO.  What makes you think you will date my daughter? Teach your kids at an early age the responsibility of information sharing on social media. And yes I have access to all my kids accounts.

Women tend to create drama where there doesn't need to be any. If it wasn't for my business I'm not sure I'd be on social media at all. I've loved it for keeping track of pictures, its kind of a journal for me. I am not scrapbooker! So when pointless drama sneaks in, I just want to shake the person creating the drama and say "hey you are better than that!"  We often talk about being real, lifting women up, and being a support system. Then do that!, how genuine you are matters. Not to mention you could really cause someone emotional trauma. Be kind always.  Maybe I can clear up a few areas that create the drama in the first place.

You have the "Attention Seekers", the "I'm having a really bad day".... but don't tell you what is wrong.  50 people then proceed to send emojis of happy crying faces. If you had a bad day at work, say that.  Getting support from others who can relate could be really helpful. Just don't be too vague about it. There's a difference between wanting the attention from everyone asking "whats wrong?" to letting friends know your day was terrible and could use some support.

You have the "perfect life" sharers....No ones life is perfect, give me something real besides your perfect vacations, relationships and over the top parenting. People want relatable, not unreachable. We try so hard not to compare, but we do it anyway.  Now I do have friends that use their face book just to keep up with family memories, and then go on to make photo albums out of it. Thats a great idea. But I'm talking about the over compensating comments, with a  heart around the anniversary pic and telling me you've never had a fight in 15 years.

Next comes the "opinion moderators"  They want your opinion, but only if its inline with what they are preaching.  Be careful you may find your comment deleted entirely.  You are missing a growth opportunity if you don't look at all sides.  I find myself commenting less and less on pages I know have a tendency to delete and control opinions.

The "home business multi marketers"  I love supporting small businesses but be upfront about it.  I've gotten personal messages asking about my family and commenting on family vacations only to end with "I have a video for you to watch, no obligation but I need 10 people."  Really? I don't have time for it.  If you want me to review a product, just be direct in your intentions.

And last but not least, The "offended" Yes you've been offended, maybe not even on social media but you are going to call them out publicly.  I do not want to know what you ex husband said to you,  the family argument word for word or that your sister slept with your husband and "haha" to them you posted it public. Airing dirty laundry on social media is never a good idea, it doesn't look good for you. And lacks maturity.  You may have been truly been hurt, but no one knows the real circumstances and public shaming can really do harm.

In all these situations it is easily solved by getting back to being personable and responsible. Ask yourself what your agenda is first. Could it be solved by reaching out? Is the information too personal? Would I want a future employer, school or family to see it? Does it enrich my life, or someone else's?  Is my post a hidden agenda meant for someone to read between the lines? And the last question to ask yourself, could it ever be used legally against you? My husband is an attorney, believe me your social media can be used for evidence.

As social media grows in popularity and it doesn't seem to be going away, choose wisely what your content is. It's an amazing tool for business, a remarkable way to stay in touch with family and friends, and building communication across the globe. Just keep the drama out of it.


*Its almost funny that I will have to add, these are only my opinions....

The New Normal

In the midst of feeling my own stress of moving,  I got to spend time with my super amazing brave friend that is warrioring through cancer, give hope and extra love to a mom who struggles with her teens, teach a class to my awesome Vasa crew and laugh a lot with good friends. Today was a good day which brings me to....How I decided to have a good day:)🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋

Anyone ever listen to @thealisonshow podcast? I often do on my long drives. And she got me to thinking about my "new normal."  Yes it sucks right now but this is my life. And my new normal.  It's so crazy, I just have to laugh. Am I living in my moms basement with my hubby, 2 teens and a couple dogs? Heck ya I am. But I am blessed to take this little break, get our bearings back and start fresh. So instead of feeling the same way about things I cannot change,  I chose to accept it for what it is and what a great day it ended up being. The pressure of fixing everything right now was gone. So on to my next and final point....
🌵🌵🌵🌵🌵🌵🌵🌵🌵

Mental health is so important, just as important as physical health. Exercise isnt always about the weight loss, it rarely is for me these days. I do it for my mental well being. My anxiety is lower,  my MS is staying under control way more often and I sleep better. Did you know 3 of my 4 teen daughters has had severe depression? It's a topic close to my heart and  one I dont talk about a lot. One day, with their permission, I will tell you you their journey. But what I can say is that staying active is soooo important.  Added into everything else I did for them therapy etc, I made sure they kept up with dance, cheer, choir whatever it was,  it was their outlet.  And I made it a top priority. I didn't make them go,  but I never used their outlet as something to take away for punishment. Cell phone, car, going out with friends...absolutely. But not the one thing they could channel their anxiety to. For me, I go to the gym.

Now if you got through all this, I am grateful to you. I know it's not easy and a new normal can seem lonely. But you are not alone, we just need to speak up so others can reach out.

The "Best Mom Ever"

Are you one of those women that has the Mother's Day Blues? Is it a day you find difficult to celebrate? Me too! It seems like a lot of pressure to be the "best mom." Maybe you're having a hard time conceiving, maybe you've had miscarriages, or maybe like me, you feel like you have fallen short as a mom and so it is hard to do the traditional Mother's Day.  

Years ago I decided in an effort to help my children celebrate Mother's Day, I would figure out a way that would help my girls enjoy the day instead of watching me resent it. Because I do love being a mom. So the Mothers Day Staycation was born. Every year we go out of town (Like 25 miles away, haha) just me and my girls. That way I am not sitting in my bed in my best mom PJ look, wondering what to do with the potted plant my kid made me in school. I am out laughing, sitting in a hot tub, going to dinner, and shopping until we drop. Though I feel like I have not always been the best mom, I have loved them every second of every day. 

I grew up in a very dysfunctional home. But the one of the things my Dad was really good at, was celebrating Mother's Day. I loved Mother's Day as a kid. I loved getting all the siblings together and doing all the traditional stuff for my Mom. And when my Dad was not in town my older sister did all the work and we were so proud. To see my Mom's face light up bringing her breakfast was all the thanks we needed. 

But with my own family it's been hard. I've had four total miscarriages and four live births, I've been pregnant eight times. The first couple were exceptionally difficult. I remember after the loss, wearing form fitting dresses to work so everyone would figure it out, and I wouldn't have to explain it. I wanted to be a mom so badly and so Mother's Day was generally spent in tears. Flowers were being handed out in church as I watched moms holding their brand new babies. I began to avoid Mother's Day all together. Years later  my struggle with depression and anxiety, mixed with my feelings of inadequacy as a mother hasn't made it it any easier. I find it hard to go to church on Mother's Day and listen to all the wonderful stories about being this perfect Mom.  I just feel like I'll never live up to it. I know that's not what it's meant to do but I would love just one sermon on keeping it real! 

I want my girls to know motherhood is one of the greatest blessings even on the days I forgot to feed my toddler lunch because I had morning sickness with my second pregnancy. Or that time I forgot my 6 month old in the car for 20 minutes while I shopped for her in Old Navy. (True story). My Mother's Day may not be the typical get up in the morning with breakfast in bed but I like my version. And even though my girls are getting older and moving out, I have already warned them that every year around Mother's Day it will be a girls weekend!

 

Find a tradition that works for you. Celebrate your own mother, celebrate the women who have influenced your life. I didn't raise my girls on my own, it's taken a small village of family, friends, adopted Grandmas, and mentors to get us here.  So Happy Mothers Day, you're doing the best you can. Truth be told I like the potted plant, handprint painted wreath and the popsicle frame. But from my hotel bed. 

Getting Honest With Your Food

I didn't want to write this post because then I would have to admit I've been lying to myself a little at a time for years. But it's time to get honest, honest about the food I'm putting into my body.  I tell myself that if I workout more, I can cheat more on food and then still expect to lose weight.  It doesn't work that way.  Only 20% of weight loss is working out, the other 80% is what you eat! I'm not one to count my macros, it works great for many but I don't have the time or the brain power to keep track of it.  However I eat mostly healthy. Anyone on that diet?  (laugh) The Mostly healthy eating plan?  Then I blame my fluctuating weight gain on water retention, medication, or "it must have been the dairy." Those excuses don't get us very far.

The word HONEST keeps popping up in my news feed. Nothing like a good dose of guilt to make you rethink your eating habits. I ordered a hamburger at a restaurant and then thought "I'm lying to myself!" Usually the dialogue in my head rationalizes how much I worked out that day so I can fudge a little on calories. I can eat this big hamburger because I will do more at the gym the next day.  I changed it to a bunless hamburger, no fries. Suddenly I'm relieved that I didn't lie to my body. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you will follow a food plan a 100% every day. I'm honest about treats too. I'm going to have 2 cookies, but for real only 2 cookies. Then add in the water factor and ask yourself are you really drinking enough water? It comes down to this, changing eating habits takes time. It's not an overnight transformation. But part of that process is taking responsibility for your eating and exercise goals.  

Here are a few tips that have helped me.

When starting a new eating plan, get a support group. Be accountable to someone. I'm in a couple of groups. Just because I teach fitness classes doesn't mean it comes easy.  I have a couple of inspiring people I follow on Instagram.  They have to be motivating, real and good common sense. 

Meal prep if you can.  I have a small fridge and not a lot of space,  its not always easy for me to meal prep but my instapot has become a lifesaver for quick healthy meals. Take snacks with you. If you  are going to be out more than 2 hrs, pack a snack. We all have very busy schedules. Carpooling, running errands, work, and so much more. So instead of stopping at that fast food drive through, just pack a small lunch box and be prepared.  

Don't fall for the latest and greatest fad diet. The simple truth is you need "real food".  If you can't decode the ingredients, then pass on it. Make sure you are eating the right calories for you and your lifestyle. I started tracking my vegetables and protein again because I wasn't eating enough protein to sustain my workouts.

As far as the "right" workout goes, find a workout plan that motivates you. I'm not a runner, I'm bored at mile 2! I've tried, then I go get my bike. The winter gets tough for me so I do more workouts from home if I'm not teaching fitness classes that day. Are you someone who likes working out with a friend, or is it your me time? Just remember 2-3 days a week of strength training and 4-5 days of cardio.  Because at the end of a workout I'm not looking in a mirror to see how good I look, I'm asking myself how I felt after my workout.  Honesty works with this too. Did I really put in the effort I wanted to? I can't expect change if I'm not putting in the honest work. 

Having said all that, do not beat yourself up for imperfection!  It's what makes us relatable and real.  Nothing I said in this post is pressure to look like someone that came out of a magazine. It has everything to do with living a long, healthy, happy life. We all have this amazing ability to take care of others, its in our nature, but we have got to take better care of ourselves. Give yourself permission. 

Dr Appointment Tips for Chronic Illness

I'm going to make this simple, again these are just ideas I have learned along the way.  Many times I don't want to ask for assistance with my appointment either because I don't want to bother anyone or I just want to keep it private. But there are a few things that have helped make my appointments easier.

Doctor appointments with a specialist can take up half your day. If you think the appointment is going to make you tired then have someone drive you. I had one appointment take four hours and I was mentally spent.  Thankfully my husband had come with me.

Having a second person there can help you remember all the info that is being thrown at you.  And ask questions you may not think they even had.  I forget my husband hasn't been to all the appointments and may not understand everything that is going on, so it can be a great opportunity for family to get clarity as well.

It may sound silly, but take water and a snack. It is no fun to get stuck in an appointment longer than you expected.

I take notes. I have a google doc I have kept track of all my symptoms, relapses, medication changes, tests and any changes to my health.  I know my memory is bad so it good to have a something I can easily pull up on my phone when my Dr is asking me about my previous health history.  I make sure to take a list of questions in as well as a list of any current symptoms. You can take notes during your appointment, but if that isn't convenient,  I write everything down as soon as I  leave my appointment

Ask questions. If something isn't quite making sense, it is your appointment and your health.  Don't leave until you are satisfied with the visit.  If you make an appointment before you leave, add it immediately to the calendar on your phone.  I lose that little business card every time!

If you have any suggestions or questions, please leave a comment.

Chronic Illness-Ideas For Supporting The Ones We Love

You have a friend or a loved one that has a chronic illness, or maybe it is yourself. Either way we need ideas for how to help. Chances are you have asked, tried, worried yourself into a frenzy and can even get frustrated in trying find ways to help.  I was going to look up tips on the web, and then decided to stick to what I have learned through experience. You will find a lot out there. I hope my personal insights will help you.

In the beginning you are given an overwhelming amount of info. You barely get whats happening, let alone your loved ones. I remember coming home that first day from my Dr's office after confirming it was MS. I had just a few hours before I would be hooked up to IV's for a strong dose of steroids and I was still unclear on what multiple sclerosis even was. All I heard was blah blah blah...something is wrong with your brain...blah blah blah....no cure....blah blah blah....it can get worse! Oh my gosh we were all in shock. I thought maybe had early menopause, maybe a sinus infection, but no such luck, I have something wrong with my BRAIN! My family gathered round like I was going to die.  Phone calls were made, prayers said, and tears shed. I didn't know who to call, or where to even begin and wondered what was my life going to be now.  It seemed like overnight that my future was not going to be the future I had planned.

Tip #1,  It's Gonna Be OK. Don't act like they are deaths bed or tell them stories about the latest story you heard of someone that died from an illness like yours. I was once asked "how do even get out of bed in the morning? Isn't it just so depressing?" Umm no, I still look forward to my day, it may not be what it used to look like, but I happily get out of bed. Chronic illness makes life more  difficult, but not impossible. It can lead to complications but most of us live a long life. So that's what I'm planning on.

Tip #2,  Ask questions.  I love it when people ask me questions about MS, education is the best way to get the word out. In 2015 I was on a panel of Mothers With Chronic Illnesses. Included mothers with Fibromyalgia, Chronic Pain, and Chronic Back Pain. I was stunned to learn all that they go through on a daily basis. I learned so much from each of them and how they cope. There are websites for everything, I encourage you to seek them out. You will find info on symptoms, causes, drug therapies, and support groups.

Tip #3 Do not send the latest and greatest cure. Chances are we have gotten the emails, and seen all the social media posts etc. If you insist, do some research first. Not all articles are current or factual.  My MS was not caused by drinking Diet Coke, a tick, or even lack of sunlight.  Although I would like to use it as my reason for having to live on the beach someday.  Rubbing on a $50 bottle of a plant oil may help me sleep better but it can't replace the drug therapies my doctors have prescribed me.  And that cure they are doing over in Europe, there are reasons we aren't doing it in the US. I do love emails and texts that simply say "thinking of you, have a great day."  PS I'm drinking my Coke Zero as I type.

Tip #4 Communication! I realize what a struggle it is to "know" what a person with a C.I. even needs. So I suggest some preemptive actions. Get a list of what your loved one could use help with on a "bad day".  Have medical info on the fridge with Dr phone numbers etc. My kids know after my weekly shot, I'm sick for a day. My 13 year old is often on soup duty, my 16 yr old makes sure I have medications and my husband checks in on me now and then. In the beginning it didn't run that smooth. No one was checking on me, I was too sick to move and often angry that no one even cared! I would sob in the dark, under my electric blanket. Sad picture right? Then I realized I hadn't communicated what I was going through and what I needed. After a family meeting and a few lists, we got it down. Communication is key.

Tip #5 There will be times they don't want help. That's ok. It's hard to lose any amount of independence and adjust to limitations. It takes time to figure out where you need to ask for help and what you can still manage on your own. I often need someone to drive, but how I hate it! It has been one of the hardest things to get used to. So if they don't want help, its ok to back off.  Do what you can to make their lives easier. Just letting them know you are there is comforting.

Tip #6 Find Support. Chronic Illness can be very lonely for spouses and for the individual. Maybe even more so for the spouse. They can't actually feel what it's like,  they can't cure it and can feel left out of the process. It is easy to fall into the trap of doing it all on your own. There are support groups out there. Even if its just a phone call. I recently went to lunch with a lady that had been newly diagnosed because a friend had given her my name (with permission).  One of the first things I did after being diagnosed was get my puppy. Not everyone is a dog person, but pets can bring emotional support. I didn't want to be alone. After 5 years my little Yorkie has learned when I'm not feeling well. If I'm too cold, he can sense it and curl up on my lap to warm me up.

Tip #7 Humor is good. It's good to laugh about the craziness of it all.  I have issues with memory.  Did I really just forget my dogs name? Poor thing. Ever seen 50 First Dates?, some days it feels just like that. One night I asked one of my kids to say family prayer, only to find out they just did. I have learned to laugh and let it go. Hope somebody prayed for my memory. :) Which brings me to my next tip.

Tip #8 Stay positive. I know some days that seems so hard! Its true, watch what you say. Making comments like "you already said that" or  "I already told you..., don't you remember?" Control that urge to be frustrated out loud. Just make sure comments don't shame or guilt them. Some sleep a lot and it can't be helped.  Statements of how long they've been in bed will only add to the guilt they already feel for not having the energy to get it all done.  On the flip side-Relapses and bad days can put a strain on any relationship. Be kind to the person that is trying to support you. They are doing the best they can in circumstances that are often unpredictable.

Tip #9 Give yourself permission to not do it all. Chronic Illness or not, this is a good habit to form. It took me a long time to not have mom guilt and go through that evil list in my head that runs through everything I should have done. Now I make a list of what I did do.

Tip #10  Fill this one in by commenting below.



I hope you will add your comments, make more suggestions and reach out.  Not everyone's experience is the same.