Sunday, January 26, 2020

Making New Girlfriends As An Adult


So you've moved, you're in a new place and everything is different. For a while you stay busy getting the house in order, getting kids settled in their new school, and maybe you've even started a new job. But at some point, you start to miss your girlfriends. You miss your Tuesday lunch dates and just being able to drop by to catch up. It feels like you've lost your safety net, and in all reality you did.

We know what we would tell our kids when it comes to making new friends. "Don't be shy, introduce yourself, invite kids over, go to school activities"....the list goes on.  But what do you do when you're an adult ? We can't go to the high school football game and hope to run into some people, oh no we are middle aged woman who's highlight of the night is probably a trip to Target and buying a new sweatshirt.  So we gotta make a real effort to meet people. 

It's actually more of a shock to the system than you think to suddenly be without the ones you are used to having around.  Women need their girlfriends.  Meeting new people is out of my comfort zone, but then one day you may find yourself talking to the cashier at Swig for 20 minutes about what you're making for dinner and think to yourself maybe you need to get out more.  

Every day for weeks when I dropped my daughter off at her new school , I encouraged her to make new friends, told her how amazing she is and how lucky these kids will be to know her. "Remember who you are, be a good example, I love you....."  Oh yes I yelled it every day as she got out of the car in hope it will make her smile.  It broke my heart to see her miss her old friends and try every day to make new ones.  I knew what she was feeling and I couldn't fix it.  It wasn't easy but she was going for it , so I had to try myself.   

Now if you think clicks at school are hard to break into, try being in a small community of women who have clearly been life long friends. It starts to feel like 10th grage and you just want to be invited to sit at their table. "On Wednesday's we wear pink." > Mean Girls Thankfully some woman have that natural ability to reach out and include the new girl.  

So where do you find a group of 30 to 40 year old women to hang out with?  Costco seems like a happenin place.  Maybe somewhere between the produce and the large box of brownie mix I can stir up a conversation.  I was ready to post in the local Facebook community page. " Looking for group of middle age women to hang out with. Requirements, no partiers, but aren't boring,  are not crazy but fun and adventurous,  like to jog but not marathon speed, dinner and movie are great but I'm in bed by 9.... Anyone interested please comment below." 

My husband didn't know what to do with me, I sulked for weeks. He was great about spending time with me, going on hikes and exploring our new town, but you could watch his eyes roll back in his head when I started to talk about things that only the gals would think is funny.  Like the unexpected breast exam during a routine doctor visit for prescription refills.  Still not sure that was necessary.  And he didn't think shopping and going out for my favorite soda mix was fun at all.  I needed girlfriends.  

So here are a few tips that I have either gathered or tried myself. 

1. Put yourself out there.  Be willing to say "Im new" and introduce yourself.  Chances are there's someone in that crowd that's new too.  Not everyone you meet will "click" that's ok. You will find your people.  And don't let age be a factor. 

2. Find a group with similar interests.  Social media  has several meet up groups for outdoor adventures, senior groups, play groups etc.  Just put a search for your town in Facebook or the web and it should pop up.  Or create a group and start inviting others.  There's even an app for it. 

3. Church. Whatever denomination it is, its a large group of people gathering. This increases your chances quite a bit.  But don't expect everyone to jump to introduce themselves.  Again it's 50% you speaking up.

4. The Gym! Well of course I'd mention the gym, being a fitness instructor is my job.  When I moved here I din't automatically have a bunch of classes to teach so I attended as many classes I could.  A rare treat for me.  But that is where I met some of my closest friends that I have now.  Common interest. 

5. Your kids friends parents.  You're new so if your kid is going to someones house to hang out, of course you are meeting the mom right? This could be an opportunity.  Or at the very least you find out the mom is crazy and you've saved your child from future visits.  (true story) Or its an opportunity to chat it up and your kids are the perfect common ground. 

6. Invite gals to lunch and pedicure. You don't need to be best friends to have a great time.  Laughter really is the best medicine and certainly curbs the lonely days. 

7. Volunteer.  If you find yourself with extra time on your hands, find somewhere to volunteer.  Even just one day a week. 

8. Work friends are easier to make, you see them the most. Just be careful it doesn't interfere with work.  

9. Dog parks. Take Fido for an outing and start up a conversation.  I have to believe that most people are not stalkers and murderers on the side and it's ok to meet a friendly face.   You can run their license plates later if you want. 

10. Host a game night.  Get the significant others involved.  While I know my husband may say he doesn't need friends like somehow its not manly, he had a great time getting out.  

And if all else fails just post on social media that you're ready to join that latest MLM group and you will have 1.552 instant new friends. They will message you every day, call you, take you to lunch all for the price of $$$ (Sarcasm intended)

I get it, friend dating for some of us can be so far out of our comfort zone.  I wanted to stay on my patio couch, cry into the pillows for eternity and assume my dogs would be my only friends.  But then something changed.  It just took that one person to invite me over for lunch. And then we kept adding women to the group.  The great thing is, you're only new once and then you get to be that person that sees the new girl and you will know exactly what to do.  

Remember when you move, especially a big move to a new town, that it takes about a year to feel like its home.  It's ok to miss your friends, close friends will always find a way to connect.  I've moved over 25 times in my lifetime, so I feel like I can give some advice on the topic.  But if you have anything to add, I'd love to hear it.  

On a side note, this doesn't have to just apply to being new in town. All great tips for making friends period.  There are too many women struggling with depression and feelings of loneliness. Please reach out, join in, we can make the difference.  Go team sisterhood. 







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